Cloudy veil recoils the night
The fiery stars with gold alight
A moon antiquity could not tarnish
Bold and lustrous orange above
Lisping, aging, mourning leaves
Congregate ‘round our patient feet,
Rashly bared as the palest cosmos –
Specters amid the river’s reckless passage
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140,570 Literary Works • 673,474 Reviews
Interesting poem,
Throughout the whole thing I saw only 1 comma. Only 1!?! You need a lot more punctuation in it, but luckily your flow is ok. Also, you don't seem to have any emotion in it. It seems like you're dancing around a pot of emotion but never dipping in and putting some into this poem. Try adding some feeling to this!
Other than all that ^ you're fine
Keep writing,
Alzora
I really like the imagery in this one. You paint a very vivid picture here.
Something about this poem is very hypnotizing... I can't quite figure out what, and that's what I love about it. You really have to dig in deep to find a meaning. Autumn is my favorite season, and I could hear the leaves crunching and see them falling beneath the moonlight. Great job, keep writing!
Hey this was a really good piece, i liked the flow of it and the vocabulary you used!
The only part that I didn't like was "Specters amid the river’s reckless passage" and i say this only because it stopped the flow of the poem because of its length. The line by itself is well written but I think using it in this poem would make it seem somewhat misplaced.
"A moon antiquity could not tarnish
Bold and lustrous orange above
Lisping, aging, mourning leaves
Congregate ‘round our patient feet," AMAZING. I really really loved this bit, nice imagery.
Good work!
Em
I love this poem, particularly the style in which it was written. Your words are also quite beautiful. It's very short, perhaps a little more so than I'd prefer, but in that small space you have crammed in a good deal of meaning. Keep up the good work!
o.o The first time I read this, I was like 'Whoah.' You've got a lot of vocabulary in you. I didn't understand the poem xD. But then, when I read it again, I saw how great the poem is and how epic you are as a poet.
Like what they said, you put great imagery in this poem. I could never be as poetic as you are, haha.
I really enjoyed reading this piece! For the most part, it flows very nicely.
I don't like how your first two lines rhyme, but the rest of the poem doen't have rhyming sections. It makes it seem as though you attempted rhyming, then gave up. Maybe change the word "Night" to "Evening"?
That's my favorite part. It created nice imagery in my head. I love the word choice, and the fluency. I find it to be very beautiful.
Great job!
Wow, just wow, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer and just wow! It's not often I'm so impressed with pieces on here, most of the time I enjoy them, but this, this sounds like one of the greats, if I wasn't much mistaken, I'd think it was one of those classic poets. The diction, the wording, the beauty conveyed. I credit myself as a harsh reviewer, so it's a shock, when I find a piece I feel without any flaws. Because of that, I think shall reread.
Okay, now shock over, one error I felt very mild:
Reckless here seems to detract from flow and seems like it's just trying to be smart with alliteration, other than that small nit pick this earns a like. I'm very impressed by this piece and because of it I shall keep an eye out for more of your poetry.
Congrats.
P.S: I agree with the short review above, try get this published
this is very good i think u should publish this piece
Wonderful piece. It had great imagry and depth. There were not many errors and it flowed pretty well. Again, it had great imagry. I could see it all happening.
I also enjoyed this. It was short and sweet. I liked the slow pace which gave the readers time to absorb it.And the imagery and symbolism were used well. Loved the personification too!
Keep writing-as I know you would do.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
This was jam packed with strong imagery for such a short poem. I especially like these lines:
"Bold and lustrous orange above
Lisping, aging, mourning leaves"
It sidetracked me for a minute on the cycke leaves undego and how that relates to us. The other reviews already mentioned my nit picks, so I won't bother repeating them. Sorry I don't have anything more constructive to offer. This was really nice.
I really enjoyed the poem.
Your use of vocabulary is quite amazing.
I agree with Anna. I did not think that the word Tarnish flowed well. When I was reading the poem that word seemed to jump out at me, I had to read the line again so it would process fully.
But I really enjoyed this line Congregate ‘round our patient feet,
I could imagine it. Thought it was excellent.
very well written.
keep writing!!
Hey there!
I really liked this! You have some great diction, and the imagery works well. The only problem i have is the flow, really. The word "tarnish" and the last line just don't seem to blend together.
Cloudy veil recoils the night
The fiery stars with gold alight
I really like these lines. They flow really well together, and the rhyming sounds good too.
Specters amid the river’s reckless passage
Like I said, great diction, but you'll notice this line has many more syllables than the rest. If that's what you're going for, then that's just fine. But i think it would flow better with fewer syallables.
All in all, a great poem! Thanks for the great read!
--Anna